Grace Jones has just hoola hooped off stage wearing a horned gold mask after combining 'Amazing Grace' with 'Slave to the Rythm', individual lights spelling out the word 'P U L P' have just descended from above the stage and a little girl dressed as a fairy princess has just skipped away from dancing behind the speaker. The women sitting on a picnic blanket pack away their jackets and stand up as a girl appears next to us waving a camera and telling us about a media project. I don't listen. There are more important and pressing matters to be dealt with. My eyes have, by this point, burnt a hole in the curtain displaying flashing messages such as 'are you ready?'. No is the answer. My stomach is about to explode and I'm genuinely worrying about bladder control. And then I see him. Just for a second. In a blue jacket. I see him dash behind the curtain. 3 minutes that seem like hours pass dangerously and then it starts. Do You Remember The First Time?
When the streamers erupted from Jarvis' hand held cardboard canister as Russell Senior delved into the first chorus of Mis-Shapes I knew the following performance would be magnificent, and it was. The only way to explain how joyous the entire event made me feel would be for you to imagine Jarvis' open arms embracing a small puppy or ironing children's blankets in a gingham apron. What an elegant man, I just want to live inside his shirt pocket or be his lung. Seeing him indulge in sensual, twirling, risque, racy, cabaret like dance moves for This Is Hardcore was truly thrilling and will orbit my mind for years to come, excluding the lack of Acrylic Afternoons and Lipgloss the entire setlist was perfect. After the strip tease to F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E, after the klaxons and smoke machines to Sorted for E's & Wizz, after the gyrating on top of amplifiers for Pink Glove and after the torch yielding audience search for I Spy there was Jarvis in velvet flares balancing on a pair of speakers scanning the sweating, grinning, Pulp t-shirt wearing audience from behind those signature glasses. In his delightful Sheffield whisper he begins another memorable speech that every thousandth person clings to as if it were being read from sacred parchments."My mum's here tonight and has asked me to dedicate this song to her, you'll all think it's a bit creepy when you hear the lyrics but she'll kill me if I don't do it. This is for my son too cause he's here as well, actually, it goes out to all of us cause we were all babies once." I crumbled at that point.
A charming explanation of 'Underwear' ensues in the anecdote "You sober up in the taxi and wonder whether or not to follow through with the evening just to be polite" and then the confetti falls again and everything is magical. White tissue paper is swirling round the air, everyone feels elated, the entire night has been spectacular then we hear "My name is Jarvis Cocker and I want to live with common people like you" It's all wonderful.